HS 


SB    335   51fl 


19/1 


MOTHER 
GOOSE 


DECEMBER 
(911 


/t 


THER  GOOSE 


IN 


IDIRON 


A  Collection  of 
Alphabets,  Rhymes,  Tales  and  Jingles 

WITH  80  ILLUSTRATIONS 


E 


DECEMBER  DINNER  OF 

>  (irffctatt  Club 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C. 
DECEMBER  9,  1911 


/  0  n 


(Gridiron  JJrraa 

P.  ROBERTS  COMPANY,  MANACIR 


VICTIMS 


Aldrich,  Nelson  W 7 

American  Protective  Tariff  League  51 

Bailey,  Joseph  W 21,  50 

Baldwin,  Simeon  E 55 

Borah,  William  E 33 

Bourne,  Jonathan    8,  72 

Brown,    Norris    72 

Bryan,  William  J 55 

Butt,  Maj.  Archibald   71 

Cannon,  Joseph  G 9,  51,  53 

Clapp,  Moses   E 71 

Clark,   Champ    9,  31,  55 

Clark,   Clarence  D 70 

Congress,  Members  of   32,  74 

Congress,   "Ex"   Members   of ....  30 

Consumed,  Mrs.  Ultimately  39 

Crane,  W.   Murray    52 

Crawford,  Coe  1 71 

Cummins,  Albert  B 62 

Davis,  Jeff   10 

Dixon,  Joseph  M 70 

Fisher,  Walter  L 12,  73 

Folk,  Joseph  W 55 

Foss,  Eugene  N 55 

Gardner,  Augustus   P 13 

Garfield,  James   R 6 

Gaynor,  William  J 55 

Guggenheim,   Simon    47 

Harmon,  Judson   31,  55 

Heyburn,   Weldon   B 33,73 

High  Cost  of  Living   39 

Hill,  Ebenezer  J 11 

Hilles,  Charles  D 14,  34 

Hines,    Edward    38 

Hitchcock,  Frank  H 14,  61 

Houser,  Walter  L.    72 

Knox,   Philander  C 17 


LaFollete.  Robert  M 6,  18,  31 

62,  71 

Lehmann,   Frederic  W 49 

Lloyd,  James   T 50 

Lodge,  Henry  Cabot    13,  52 

Lorimer,    William    38 

MacVeagh,    Franklin    19 

Mann,  James  R 16 

Marshall,  Thomas  B 55 

Meyer,  George  von  L 19 

Xagel,   Charles    20 

Norris,  George  W 72 

Owen,  Robert  L 21 

Payne,   Sereno   E 26 

Penrose,    Boies    67,  70 

Pinchot,    Gifford    6,  22,  48 

Reciprocity,   Canadian    35 

Roosevelt,  Theodore    6,  37 

Root,   Elihu    24 

Sherman,  James   S.    . .  25,  60,  66,  69 

Smoot,  Reed    70 

Stephenson,    Isaac    15,  38 

Stimson,  Henry  L 25,  60 

Taft,  William  H 8,  12,  18,  25,  26 

29,  31,  34,  51,  62 

Tariff  7,  27,  35,  39,  51,  63 

Tariff  Board    51 

Taylor,  Robert  L 36 

Tilson,  John  Q 23 

Underwood,  Oscar  W 27,  55 

Vreeland,  Edward  B 28 

Warren,   Francis   E 70 

White  House,  The    5 

Wickersham,  George  W 29,  54 

Wiley,   Harvey  W 29 

Wilson,    James    29 

Wilson,  Woodrow    31,  55 


80.1761 

3 


This  is  the  house  that  Jack 
(ought  to  have)  Built. 


Beat  'em  up,  beat  'em  up,  progressive 

man, 

So  we  will,  Bobby,  as  fast  as  we  can; 
We'll  beat  'em  and  kick  'em  and  mark 

'em  N.  G., 
Yours  truly,  T.  R.,  Jimmie  G.  and  Giff  P. 


6 


A 


Is   for    Aldrich,    of  fame  and 

renown, 
Whose  tariff  bill  still  is  the  talk 

of  the  town. 


B 


Is  for  Bourne,  of  third  term 
repute, 

Now  with  the  Taft  boom  en 
gaged  in  dispute. 


8 


c 


Is  for  Cannon,  or  Clark,  as  you 

please, 
Czars   before  whom  all   fall  on 

their  knees. 


9 


D 


Is  for  Davis,  of  Ozark,  b'gum, 
Who  has  just  been  "bridled 
and  now  stays  t'  hum. 


10 


E 


Is  for  Ebenezer,  with  billiard  ball 
head, 

If  t'were  not  white  t'would  prob 
ably  be  red. 


11 


F 


Is    for    Fisher,    President    Taft's 

"hope;" 

Giff  is  now  handing  out  only  soft 
soap. 


12 


G 


Is    for    Gardner,     his   daddy's 

named  Lodge; 
Mention  it  to  Gus,  and  Gussie 

will  dodge. 


13 


H 


Is  for  Hitchcock,  or  Hilles,  both 

good 
To  run  a   campaign,  if  either 

one  would. 


14 


I 


Is  for  Isaac,  a  Biblical  name; 
Ask  and  ye  shall  receive"  -He  knows 
that  game. 


15 


J 


Is  for  Jimmie— guess  it,  if  you  can; 
You  will  find  he  is  somewhat  of  a 
Mann. 


16 


K 


Is  for  Knox,  not  knocking,  you 

know, 
Whose  dollar  diplomacy  is  now 

all  the  go. 


17 


L 


Is  for  La  Follette,  a  whirlwind 

for  talk, 
Whose  Presidential    boom  Taft 

hopes  to  balk. 


18 


M 


Is  for   MacVeagh  or  Meyer, 

men  of  means; 
One  represents  pork  and  the 

other  baked  beans. 


19 


N 


Is   for   Nagel,   from   St.   Louis 

town, 
A  Cabineteer  who  aspires  to  a 

gown. 


20 


o 


Is  for  Owen,  Sir  Robert,  the  bold, 
Whose    "Isms"    made   Bailey's 
extremities  cold. 


21 


p 


Is  for  Pinchot,  a  chip  off  the  block; 
He's  equally  good  at  the  boost  or 
the  knock. 


Is  for  Quillen,  alias  John  Tilson, 
Pabst?  Schlitz?  Anheuser?   We 
have  it!   Pilsen. 


R 


Is  for  Root,  not  the  root  of  all  evil, 
To  whom   the  term   uplift  does 
not  mean  upheaval. 


24 


s 


Is  for  Sherman,  or  Stimson.  Help! 

Help! 
Which  one  will  Taft  take  unto 

himself? 


:25 


T 


Is  for  Taft,  or  Tariff  so  high 
"Which   must   be   revised"   (in 
the  sweet  bye  and  bye). 


u 


Is   for    Underwood,    of   stately 

mien.  Oh! 
His  tariff  speeches  give  a  pain 

to  Sereno. 


27 


v 


Is  for  Vreeland.    Standpatter? 

You  bet! 
On    tariff    and    bobtails    he's 

standing  still  yet. 


28 


w 


Is  for  Wickersham,  Wiley  and 

Wilson, 
An  adulteration   Taft   can't 

keep  still,  son. 


29 


Is  f or  those  who  from  pub- 
lie  life  sever; 

They  come  and  go,  We 
go  on  forever. 


30 


Y 


Is  for  "Yes,"  the  blushing  maid's 

answer; 
Candidates  always  say  "Yes"  if 

they  can,  sir. 


31 


z 


is  for  Zoo,  a  part  of  the  show; 
The  big  show  now  here  is  Con 
gress,  you  know. 


32 


As  Bill  Heyburn  and  Bill  Borah 

Were  walking  out  one  Sunday, 

Says  Bill  Heyburn  to  Bill  Borah, 
"Tomorrow  will  be  Monday." 


Little  Charlie  Hilles,  first  aide  to  Will,  is 
Eating  some  White  House  pie; 

If  he  puts  in  his  thumb  and  pulls  out  this 

plum, 
There  is  nobody  here  who  will  cry. 


34 


I 


.0) 
3 

- 


I .  This  little  pig  went  to  market 


0 

r 

Q- 


4.  This 
little  pig 
got  none. 


home. 


35 


"Robert,  come  give  me  your  fiddle, 
If  ever  you  mean  to  thrive/' 

"Nay,  I'll  not  give  my  fiddle 
To  any  man  alive. 

"If  I  should  give  my  fiddle, 

They'll  think  that  I've  gone  mad, 
For  many  a  joyful  day 
My  fiddle  and  I  have  had/' 


There  was  a  busy  man  who  lived  on  a 

hill, 

He  lives  there  yet,  but  not  always  still. 
On  Tennessee  Iron  he  says  he  was  "wise," 
And  he's  the  ONE  man  who  never 

tells  lies. 


Billy  Lorimer  picked  a  peck 

Of  Hines'  splinters; 
A  peck  of  Hines'  splinters 

Billy  Lorimer  picked. 
If  Billy  Lorimer  picked  a  peck 

Of  Hines'  splinters, 
Where's  the  peck  of  Hines'  splinters 

Uncle  Isaac  picked? 


38 


OLD  MOTHER  HUBBARD 

(Or  the  Horrible  Tale  of  Mrs.  Ultimately  Consumed) 

Old  Mother  Hubbard 
Went  to  the  cupboard 

To  get  her  poor  children  a  bone ; 
But  when  she  came  there 
The  cupboard  was  bare, 

It  was  plain  the  shelves  held  none. 

39 


She  went  to  the  baker's 

To  buy  them  some  bread, 

But  wheat  had  gone  up, 
Reciprocity  was  dead. 

She  went  to  the  joiner's 

A  coffin  to  buy, 
But  she  found  that  cremation 

Was  not  half  so  high. 

40 


She  took  a  clean  dish 

To  buy  them  some  trout, 
But  the  price  was  so  "fishy" 

She  came  away  without. 

She  went  to  the  ale-house 
To  buy  them  some  beer, 

But  the  cost  of  the  drink 

Took  away  all  the  cheer. 

41 


She  went  to  the  tavern 

For  white  wine  and  red, 

But  when  she  had  priced  it, 
She  took  water,  instead. 

She  went  to  the  hatter's 
To  buy  them  a  hat, 

But  the  things  that  were  swell 
Made  her  pocket-book  flat. 

42 


She  went  to  the  barber's 
With  wigs  to  display, 

She  found  nothing  there 

But  a  high  price  "  toupee. 

She  went  to  the  fruiterer's 
To  buy  them  some  fruit, 

But  the  figures  had  taken 
The  aerial  route. 


43 


She  went  to  the  tailor's 
To  buy  them  a  coat, 

The  tailor  convinced  her 

That  she  was  the  "  goat/' 

She  went  to  the  cobbler's 

To  buy  them  some  shoes, 

It  was  plain  she  must  give 
To  the  tariff  its  dues. 


44 


She  went  to  the  sempstress 
To  buy  them  some  linen, 

The  cost  plainly  showed  her 
She  was  in  for  a  skinnin'. 

She  went  to  the  hosier's 
To  buy  them  some  hose, 

He  took  what  was  left, 
Increasing  her  woes. 

The  Dame  made  a  curtsey, 
The  Trusts  made  a  bow; 

The  Dame  said,  "Your  servant. 
The  Trusts  said  "  Kow-tow/ 


45 


Then  Old  Mother  Hubbard 
Went  back  to  the  cupboard 

Where  she  had  sought  for  a  bone; 
And  she  said,  "  I  declare, 
It  will  have  to  stay  bare," 

So  the  poor  little  children  got  none. 


46 


Little  Simon  met  a  Sly  Man 

Going  to  Alaska; 
Says  Little  Simon  to  the  Sly  Man, 
"What  is  there,  I  ask  you?" 


47 


Says  the  Sly  Man  to  Little  Simon, 
"There's  copper  there  in  plenty." 

Says  Little  Simon  to  the  Sly  Man, 
"Of  coppers  I  have  many/' 

Little  Simon  had  six  brothers 

Who  saw  what  there  was  in  it; 

They  sent  the  Sly  Man  to  Alaska- 
Little  Simon  to  the  Senate. 


Little  G.  P. 
Went  to  sea, 
In  an  open  boat; 
The  little  boat 

bended  — 
My  story's  ended 


There  was  a  fat  man  from  St.  Lou-ay, 
Sat  trust-busting  one  sunshiny  day; 
For  the  press  he  had  naught, 
Though  steel  was  his  thought, 
Which  vex'd  the  fat  man  from  St.  Lou-ay. 


49 


A  dillar,  a  dollar, 
A    12    o'clock 

scholar, 
We    like     the 

Senate's  gall; 
It's  coming  now  at 

2  o'clock  - 
Why  does  it  come 

at  all? 


1  Jimmie  Lloyd,  a  Con- 
Came  back  to  Wash- 


OnDemocratic  victory 

feeling  vain; 
I  He  stepped  in  a  pat 

ronage  muddle, 
Like  a  Missouri  toll- 

road  puddle, 
And  f  he  swears  he'll 

ne'er  do  that  again. 


50 


Baa,  baa,  black  sheep,  have  you  any  pull? 
The  Tariff  Board  is  after  the  rates  on  Wool: 
Yes,  we  have  stand -patters  and  the  A.  P.  T.  L,, 
While  presidential  vetoes  are  doing  very  well. 


51 


Cabot  and  Murray  each  separately  delve 
On  their  own  little  jobs  'till  the  clock 

strikes  12; 

Then  up  starts  Cabot  and  looks  far  away, 
"  Oh,  brother  Murray,  we  are  both  from 

Back  Bay'/1 

"  Yes,"  says  Murray,  choking,  by  stealth, 
"Until  Adjournment— then  each  for  him 
self." 

52 


Old  King  Joe  was  a  merry  old  soul, 

And  a  merry  old  soul  was  he; 

He  called  for  his  smoke, 

And  his  highball,  too, 

And  he  called  for  his  cronies  three. 

And  every  crony  had  a  very  good  hand, 

And  a  very  fine  hand  had  he; 
'Tweedle  dee,  tweedle  dee/'  said  Old 

King  Joe, 
"  Oh,  there's  none  so  rare  as  can  compare 

With  a  stand-pat  hand.    Give  me  three. 


53 


There  was  a  man  from  New  York  Town, 
And  he  was  wondrous  wise; 

He  raked  in  sheckles  by  the  pound 
From  trusts,  and  closed  his  eyes. 

But  he  came  down  to  Washington 

And  with  all  his  might  and  main, 

He  jumped  into  so  many  trusts, 
He  gave  them  all  a  pain. 


54 


Ten  little  candidates  in  presidential  line- 
One  got  bashful,  and  then  there  were  nine. 


Nine  little  candidates  tried  to  frame  a  slate — 
One  backed  out,  and  then  there  were  eight. 


55 


Eight  little  candidates  >for  political  heaven - 
One  hit  a  primary,  and  then  there  were  seven. 


Seven  little  candidates  went  to  fixing  sticks 
One  got  hurt,  and  then  there  were  six. 


56 


Six  little  candidates  monkeyed  with  a  hive- 
One  got  stung,  and  then  there  were  five. 


Five  little  candidates  tried  to  take  the  floor — 
One  got  stepped  on,  and  then  there  were  four, 


57 


Four  little  candidates  tried  to  climb  a  tree — 
One  fell  out,  and  then  there  were  three. 


Three  little  candidates  out  in  a  canoe — 
One  fell  overboard,  and  then  there  were  two 


58 


Two  little  candidates  fooling  with  a  gun 
One  got  shot,  and  then  there  was  one. 


One  little  candidate  standing  all  alone 
He  got  left,  and  the  dark  horse  won. 


59 


Jim  and  Henry  went  up  the  hill 
To  fetch  a  pail  of  votes,  sir ; 

Jim  fell  down  and  broke  his  crown, 

And  Henry  was  in  the  same  boat, 


sr. 


Up  both  got  and  home  did  trot, 
With  sundry  funny  capers  ; 

Bill  Barnes  had  the  job  to  plaster  their 

knobs, 
And  keep  it  out  of  the  papers. 


60 


Frankie  Hitchcock  went  to  sea, 
Heeding  not  my  tearful  plea; 
He'll  come  back  and  marry  me, 
Pretty  Frankie  Hitchcock. 

Frankie  Hitchcock 's  lean  and  fair, 
Combing  down  his  yellow  hair; 
Now  he 's  gone  up  in  the  air; 
Pretty  Frankie  Hitchcock. 


61 


Albert  C.  and  Robert  L. 

Resolved  to  have  a  battle, 
For  Albert  C.  said  Robert  L. 

Had  spoiled  his  nice  new  rattle. 
Just  then  came  by  a  monstrous  man, 

As  big  as  a  tar-barrel, 
Which  frightened  both  the  heroes  so, 

They  quite  forgot  their  quarrel. 

62 


THE  TARIFF'S  LITTLE  LAMB. 

(A  Melodrama  in  Eight  Stanzas.) 

The  tariff  had  a  little  lamb, 

Its  fleece  was  snowy  white, 

It  followed  him  around  all  day, 
And  slept  by  him  at  night. 


63 


Once  this  little  lamb  was  small, 
But  now  it  is  not  so, 

For  the  tariff  fed  his  little  pet 
Until  it  had  to  grow. 


64 


To  Congress  it  was  brought  one  day; 

They  tried  to  put  it  out, 
But  they  found  the  lamb  was  now  a 
ram, 

Which  had  grown  very  stout. 


65 


The  President  was  a  little  man; 

His  face  was  bright,  but  red; 
And  he  had  little  hair  upon 

His  bald  and  shiny  head. 


66 


And  when  he  could  not  catch  the  lamb, 
He  called  upon  the  "regulars," 

While  "insurgents"  chased  it 'round  the 

room, 
And  made  a  dreadful  noise. 


67 


And  still  it  ran  about  the  room, 
And  did  not  seem  to  tire, 

Until  the  Democrats  jumped  in, 
And  set  the  place  on  fire. 


68 


The  bells  then  rang,  the  firemen  came, 
But  could  not  quench  the  fire ; 

The  poor  lamb  fled  and  hastened  to 
The  White  House  to  expire. 


69 


When  the  tariff  missed  his  little  lamb, 
He  raised  a  dreadful  wail ; 

Just  then  Mister  Taft  pulled  it  out, 
And  saved  it  by  the  tail. 


70 


Ride  a  cock-horse  to 
Manassas,  of  course, 

To  see  the  great  major 
when  not  on  a  horse; 

With  braid  on  his  shoul 
ders  and  mud  on  his 
toes — 

These  were  only  a  few 
of  his  woes. 


Moses    Clapp 

killed  a  calf, 
Coe  I.  Crawford 

got  the  half; 
Bob    LaFollette 

got  the  head- 
Ring  the  bell,  the 

calf  is  dead! 


71 


Jack  Bourne 
passed  the  hat, 

And  found  the 
income  lean; 

Walt  Houser 
had  been  be 
fore,  you  see, 

And  licked  the 
platter  clean. 


Well  sing  you  a  chorus, 
About  George  W. 

Norris, 
And  now  my 

story's  begun. 
We'll   sing  you 

another 
About    Norris 

Brown  (not  his 

Brother), 
And  now   my 

story's  done. 


72 


Walter     be 

nimble, 
Walter     be 

quick, 
---  And  settle 

Alaska 
With   a   big 

stick. 


Bye,  Billy,  bunting, 
Daddy's  gone  a-hunt- 


^, 
To  get  a  little  thicker 

skin, 

To   wrap    his    Billy 
bunting  in. 


73 


TO  CONGRESS 

Men  of  words  and  not  of  deeds 
Are  not  just  what  this  Congress  needs; 
Although 't  has  been  a  most  popular  place 
To  talk  one's  self  black  in  the  face. 


74 


COMMITTEE  ON  MENU  AND  SOUVENIR 


LEROY  T.  VERNON,  Chairman 
DAVID  S.  BARRY  P.  V.  DEGRAW 

C.  K.  BERRYMAN  JAMES  P.  HORNADAY 

FRANK  G.  CARPENTER  F.  A.  RICHARDSON 

H.  CONQUEST  CLARKE  REGINALD  SCHROEDER 

J.  HARRY  CUNNINGHAM  CHARLES  W.  THOMPSON 


T 


THIS  BOOK  IS 

STAMPED 

^-^5**  --  •  -  ^3f  m+, 


21-100^-7/33 


8037G1 


I  ^ 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


